Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
