ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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