Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
