Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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