My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
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