I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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