Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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