oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
