Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
