I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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