Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
