I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
