Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
