I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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