he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize