i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
