i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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