Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
