I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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