At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
