I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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