I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
