He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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