Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
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Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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