I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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