your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
