Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
