Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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