Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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