do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
