She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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