man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
