I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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