see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
