Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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