The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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