I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
