some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
