so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
