i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
well you can't waste a boner
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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