i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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