Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
