I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
