I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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