Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
