I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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