He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
