i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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