Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
