Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
