i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Four minutes until I can fart!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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