i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
