you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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