If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
high people should be assigned attendants
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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