he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
